I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
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I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you