At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
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[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.