My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
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[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Clients after you give them your rates
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
This raises questions
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background