[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
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My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”