me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
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If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
@funTweeters
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool