Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
π€·ββοΈππ€·ββοΈπ
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I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it βsubstitooths”.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Iβm currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Me: I need the other guy
Him: Iβm the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
4: Iβm gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke Iβm texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i donβt know what iβm doing
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Pack a bag, weβre going on a tangent.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing βSomeone Like Youβ
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
yea so i messed up lol