Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

Meeeee too!

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day