@Dear_Booze

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

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@TheThryll

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

@ScollarsCoin

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

@NintenDom

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

@BuckyIsotope

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

@stephenjmolloy

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

@champagngetaway

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

@Merman_Melville

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

@ChribHibble

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.