You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
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A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.
Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.