Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
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In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.