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4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
This makes total sense…
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
