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My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
i now pronounce you bounced.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times