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Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
*lint rolls you awake*
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna