The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
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Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
the battle rages on
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”