DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
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Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Dance like you’re not the father
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on