When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
You Might Also Like
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.