How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
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ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!