My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
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Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
bears
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.