“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
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You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.