Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
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Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Good morning, Twitter x
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing