me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
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NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
being a writer on Twitter:
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.