I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
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Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.