If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
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I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20