Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
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A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
🤣✨#caturday
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.