Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
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She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.