dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
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10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”