Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
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saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
My hips? Compulsive liars.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????