Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
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My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Saturday
What
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”