I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
You Might Also Like
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Life with a cat in one tweet
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji