saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
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Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Awwwww shit.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.