Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
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Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now