People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
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I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
dream blunt rotation
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.