Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
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Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.