seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
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[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Lmao
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.