they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
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[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.