(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
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Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
and now we wait
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
79.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
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