I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
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I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
quarantine day 3
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.