[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
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[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
all that yoga finally paid off
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”