[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

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[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]

“Get out of here, NOW!”




My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.


Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing


What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?


I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.


Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.


Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….


PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.


peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*


[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]