Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
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What even happened today?
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Humor: the only thing I like dry.