CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
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*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?