I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
You Might Also Like
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?