Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
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Botany good plants lately?
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?