Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
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Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door