We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
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Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.