I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Tuesday
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
A double negative is a big no-no.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.