Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
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my retirement plan is braless
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad