When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
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someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Dudes named Chance never had one.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.