sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
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Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.