*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
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my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
The USS B port