“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
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My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)