My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
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Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me: