I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
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I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus