Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
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I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
the icebreaker
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that